Over Before it Began

There will be no decorated tree, no SnowVillage, no decor of any kind, by my decree.  I’m tired of trying to hold this family together.  The tree will remain up, it has lights. I see no need for more.
Dinner may or may not happen. Krissy announced she is working both Eve and Day. If we want to gather, it will have to be 10:00 AM Christmas Day.
It’s not just a Christmas, it is year round. We do very little as a family.  I see pictures of whole families gathering to even just be together. We grudgingly gather on the two biggies Thanksgiving and Christmas. Sometimes I feel they come just for the food and gifts. They disappear pretty fast after the last bite of food or the last gift.
I know they are adults and have lives of their own. I just wish they included me.

Hope for Love

There are two sets of mind during the holiday season, commercial and spiritual.
Most of us will to some degree give into the commercialism.
Some will go all out, some will set limits and try to stay in limits while giving wants and needs.
I’m in between. I go after what they want, need and keep adding to it. I do cash, so I cannot go too wild, though tempted.  I am part of the commercialism of Christmas.
I see more and more that use their holiday time for service. Food banks, toys for children, meals served to the homeless and gifts of food delivered to the less fortunate.
There still are the events in church, beautiful music and children are taught the true meanings.
This gives me hope that our traditions will continue.
Yes, Christmas is commercialized. Billions are spent on decorations, gifts and gatherings. But the spirit is still there and as long as we teach our children the story, traditions and what is important, there is hope.

Christmas

 The closer I get to Christmas the more frustrated I am that my Christmas Tree is not up and all my Santas, Snowmen, Polar Bears. and Penguins that I have collected over the years are not out.  My Nativity is not in it’s special place and the Snow Village remains   in their boxes. Then this morning, as I was grumbling to myself, I thought this is not what Christmas is about.  We rush to decorate, shop and bake. Grumpy, because I can’t get it done and all the sudden it becomes not s preparation for the Celebration of the Birth of Christ, but a chore. A chore, that tires us, tries us and brings no Joy.

So maybe I’ll have a little less decorations and one less pie will help my middle. Then maybe I can find a way to honor Christ through service for others.  Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year. Remember those whose family time may be less joyous because someone is missing.

The Beginning of the End of Hope

October 31, 2017. 5:45am and  we arrive at Princeton Hospital. They  checked Wade in and took him back for preparations. At approximately 7:00 they rushed me back to see my husband quickly before taking him to OR. At 8:10 they called to say surgery started At approximately 12 or 12:30, I was called back to meet with the surgeon. The surgery had not gone well. The vein carrying blood to the stomach had been damaged because it was not in an expected place.  They had attempted to repair the vein, they hope it would work. If not, the stomach would die and possibly become gangrenous.  They would wait two days and try again. 

November 2, 2017 surgery was rescheduled for 12:30pm. My Stepson and I left Wade to get breakfast. We came back at 10:30 am and they had  already taken him out to surgery. We ask if you we could see him prior to surgery. They rushed us to see him. At approximately 1:15, I was called to meet with the surgeon, way short  of the expected 5 hours. The surgeon explained to us that the stomach had died and was gangrenous. They had removed what was a healthy stomach just 48 hours ago along with the tumor. 

The good news was the cancer was gone, the bad my husband's chances of survival were not good. He vomited and aspirated into his lungs. They had cleaned them out as best they could. His BP had dropped dangerously low. He was being placed in CICU because he had been turned over to another surgeon. Cardiac Thoracic.  They sent us to wait in that unit's waiting room. After a long time, we went to check on him. They were working on him and ask if we would wait.  A short while later a woman came running to get us. If we wanted to see him we needed to hurry and told us to run. He had coded on them and they thought he might again. I can't tell you the condition we were in. Not good. Then the women started screaming at me, if this happens again do you want us to save him. She kept screaming this at me. They told me they did not know the neurological damages he had suffered and would not unless he survived and woke up. I finally said No, He would not want this.  I regret this decision. But as he appears to be making progress, I am hoping this is moot. 

Praise God, he survived. He has a long journey, but one we can take together

The original surgeon came to talk with me , I don't remember if it was the day after the surgery or the next, I guess to get me off his plate. I ask how the vein was damaged. He told me they were using robotics and the vein was not where it was expected.  They were detaching the stomach from the esophagus and cut that vein before they realized it.

Carrieleigh is how old?

It’s hard to believe my baby granddaughter will be 24 tomorrow.  I guess she will, she is one of the 5’s.  45,55,65 &75 then we threw in 87 and waited on 95.  Those are years of course.
I was there when she was born as I was with her brother.  Being the resident grandmother has it advantages
Beautiful redhead turned to honey gold, her skin fair and unblemished. The absolute image of her Mother.
She was my first girl and she refused to be the dainty and frilly little girl I always envisioned.  I still tried.
She has grown into a beautiful young woman with a mind of her own. We are proud of her and love her to the moon and back.

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Cupcake

Kamille “Cupcake” McKinney a three year old whose life was taken from her. I did not know her nor her family. I don’t even live in her community or town, but her little face caught my heart.
Ten days all the local TV stations carried an Amber Alert for Kamille. The police day after day had no new news, but still we hoped and prayed.
Last night finally, killing all hope, the police announced the discovery of a body believed to be Kamille. Today they confirmed it.
Our hearts are broken for her family and loved ones. Our hearts are also broken for all children. Children that should be able to play with their friends without fear of predators.  Sadly, our children are not safe. We have known this, but this senseless violence that took Cupcake, brings us hopefully to our knees, face to God.

Car Keys

My car keys are gone. No, not lost or physically taken from me. Last year I suffered what is commonly called a TIA or Mini Stroke.  I had felt off, but nothing major that would suggest I was in trouble.  

One evening, I sat down to the dinner table, looked down at my right arm and i could not see it. I felt ok, I finished dinner before going to the ER  We suspected what had happened, but after several test, they found no trace of a stroke  I was referred to my optometrist, he found no problems with my vision.  On to my Neurologist, who ordered more test and referred me to a Cardiologist   Finally, it was determined that I had a TIA and it shorted out the connection between my brain and part of my right eye   Looking straight ahead, I see fine  However, if you come up on my right side, watch out  

No one has told me I can no longer drive.  The Doctors strongly suggest that I not and family is letting me decide.  I am tempted every day to try it out.  I keep holding my arm out o see if it is still gone and as this morning it is  

There are 100’s of things that I want or need to do. The big problem is, they require a ride or me driving.  My family has been great getting me to my needs to go, but I hesitate to ask for my wants to go.   My Mother never drove, but she had siblings and church friends.  She always managed to get it done.   

Halloween

Halloween is not my holiday. To begin with it’s not a holiday in that there is no off day.  I guess it can be a holiday from who you are. You can dress up as a hero to a horror. 

My parents grew up during the Depression. Mother grew up on a farm and Daddy in Atlanta. I never talked with them about if and how they celebrated Halloween. Knowing how they wee raised, I doubt there was much if any.  

I don’t remember Halloween much growing up.   I remember a false face made of paper mache. What I remember most is the mouth getting wet and stringy.  Yuck.  No wonder I’m not a fan. 

My children did Trick or Treat and dressed up in some costume.  Alan could probably tell you all about it.  I can’t really.  I am not a fan of Halloween. 

Over the years, Halloween has developed into a big production.  The church and schools have gotten involved and turned Halloween into a more palatable Fall Festival for the children. The adults have their own version of Halloween. Some dress up in costume and go to work.  There may be a party at work or some other venue. Most go home to their kids and their Halloween. 

Special annual event such as the Rocky Horror Show draws those really into horror and the strange, I think.  Anyway, not a fan of Halloween. 

However you celebrate, do it wisely and safely.  If you come by my house I have candy.  

May 1, 2011
The motor home was loaded, our reservations rearranged to accommodate flooding that had occurred during the latest round of Spring storms.

We never thought it would happen, but it did and it was amazing.  The memories priceless.

Life

I am back or at least back to the Blog.  It has been almost two years since Wade died.  I still grieve as I do for the rest of my family.
You do not get over grief or even past it.   Some days it hits me and I crumble.  It may be Wade or Cheryl and Lee or Mother and Daddy. When it hits, it hits hard.

I’ve turned 74. I have now lived two years longer than my Dad.  He was almost 72 when he died, so not quite two years.  By my standards now, that is young.  It is amazing he has been gone over 27 years.  There are only two of us left from this picture. Life is uncertain.